Those of you who have reached a certain vintage will have
fond recollections of that wonderful film “The Life of Brian” in which a
recurrent theme was “What have the Romans ever done for us?” The film was set
in about the turn of the modern era, as it is now perceived, in Judea. Each
time the question was asked in a group of rebels who were trying to overthrow
the Romans, one of the revolutionaries would pipe up with “Well good roads
actually” or “Peaceful streets” or “Clean water” etc.
So, what did the Americans do for the Philippinos?
I think I had better provide a bit of background.
After the Americans had kicked out the British in 1784 they soon
expanded over the Appalachian mountains and kept going like most expansionist
powers do. Their contempt for and mistreatment of the indigenous people was
typical of all the imperialist powers of the 19th century – they,
the indigenous locals, are savages. If we can’t convert them to Christianity,
kill the lot and take their land.
President Andrew Jackson, in the 1830s, decided that this
was wrong and that the “Indians”, as they were called, should have their own
(very poor) land in certain areas called reservations. So, the Indians were
rounded up and dumped on these “reservations.” Of course, they had no schools,
hospitals etc. Alcohol was banned so they all drank like fish. Leave them to
whither and die - that is how you get rid of this embarrassment. There was no
attempt to integrate them in any form of society.
That has been US government policy for 180 years and remains
the policy today. When you hear Americans talking about “minority rights” in
other countries then you know what the word “hypocrisy” means.
I digress, as I often do.
When the USA had reached the West Coast they had a bit of a
problem. How could they continue their imperialistic expansion? Sure, they
bought Alaska off the Russians, took Hawaii but what to do with the army?
Cuba? Good, let’s invade there. The Panama Canal – yep,
built by a Frenchman but we don’t allow Froggies (or anybody else for that
matter) in the Western Hemisphere. This imperialistic racism is dressed up as
the “Monroe Doctrine”.
Now where? Ah those nasty Spaniards have no right to be half
way round the world in The Philippines. We kicked them out of Cuba so let’s
kick them out of The Philippines and call it liberation. (The reason why the
Spanish were in the Philippines and not the Portuguese is a long story going
back to the beginning of the 16th century.)
Boot them out they did.
I have done it again. Digressed.
So what did the Americans do for the Philippines?
First of all, they left a passingly good imitation of the
English language. The country is made up of 7,000 islands with lots of
disparate tribal groups – not really a nation at all as the long running civil
war indicates. The multiple languages have been sorted of welded into something
approaching a common language called Tagalog. However, the education system
that the Americans created was, of course, in English. This has endured. Many
people speak good English. In fact, my Guide, Chris, who I will come back to
later, said that the Philippines is the second English speaking country in the
world. This is a bit of an exaggeration but you get the idea. Many towns and
cities have Spanish names from 300 years of occupation but the language has
gone completely.
Jeepneys. These are a peculiarly Philippino
institution. The Philippines was a big (and
I mean big) military base for the USA throughout the 20th century
until the locals finally got rid of them. This meant that the US Military
brought in lot general purpose vehicles - jeeps. After a few years each jeep
was scrapped by the military. The locals picked them up, extended the
wheelbase, and put a few seats in, paint them in garish colours, give them a
stupid name and you have something for people to travel on. There are some
conventional long-distance buses but jeepneys are universal. They are now built
from scratch and any resemblance to a modern jeep is purely in your
imagination.
Driving Standards. As most Europeans know Americans are
pretty shit drivers – they kill about three times as many people on the roads
as Europeans do. However, such high standards are unknown in the South-East
Asia. To give you an example, in China every thousand vehicles will kill one
person a year (it is 20,000 in the UK). So, in the Philippines you are pretty
safe – drivers know what indicators are for, red lights are respected, traffic is slow, fighting
your way across the road on foot is relatively easy etc. I am fairly sure that
a high proportion of fatalities are motor-bike riders – of which there are a
great profusion. Don’t get me wrong if you are aged between 20 and 45 by far
the most likely cause of death in almost any part of the world is a badly
trained man – and they are nearly always men -
behind the steering wheel of a piece of heavy equipment weighing a tonne
or so mowing you down whilst he is playing with his mobile phone.
Rock n’ Roll. I won’t say much about this. It is often old,
poor or both. It is just such a relief not to hear crap Chinese pop music and
endless dreadful Karaoke.
So why was I in the Philippines?
Well I like it. It was my third visit.
It is cheap. We bought a full-size bottle of rum and a 1 ½
litre bottle of coke for two quid. For those not familiar with the UK just
guess how much that is. Whatever your guess it will be too high.
Everybody smiles and says hello. This is not because you are
a tourist; it is just that they have a cheerful inclusive nature.
Of course, neither of those are reasons to go per se. Matt
and I had gone to learn to dive.
On the first night, we found a bar in Manila where one girl
seemed to think it was perfectly normal to throw up on the floor and carry on
drinking.
At the bus station where we went to get to our destination
there was a sign saying “Unload your firearms here.”
I will keep the next bit short because it is not very
entertaining.
We arrive, fill in the forms, Chris (our instructor and a
thoroughly nice bloke – even if he is Christian – that is his name as well as
his religion) says I need medical clearance because of my blood pressure. I go
to the clinic, Doctor says come back tomorrow for a heart x-ray (it was a
Sunday and many Philippinos are very Christian.) A hard afternoon in the pool
learning drills about what if things go wrong.
Monday. Back to the clinic. Doctor says I am not signing;
your heart is too big but you can go and take the x-ray to a specialist in the
city an hour and a half away by jeepney. Back to the resort, Matt too ill to do
anything, I may as well go and see if the quack would clear me. (I wasn’t worried, I had been to 4,500 metres
high two weeks before). He signed. A lost day.
Matt is out
of the picture (he is always ill when we go on holiday) so Chris is my personal instructor but we have lost a day. Get
on with it. The exercises on the surface I am crap. Get down a few metres I am
fine (well apart from the fact that my eyesight is so wonderful that I can’t
read the gauges or the dive computer but we will gloss over that). I lost a flipper that cost me a few quid but
the rest was OK. Because I was shit at the escape stuff on the surface Chris,
as I had anticipated, only certified me as a crap diver.
Would I recommend diving? Without doubt. Some people will
struggle with “equalizing” – that is adjusting to pressure changes (it doubles
every ten metres) but I was fine once I relaxed enough and went down to 17
metres. But what you see down there is fantastic; I will be forever spoiled
about snorkeling – of which I have done a lot.
Is it risky? A bit, but learn the drills, you will never have
to use them - Chris never has.
Would I go cave diving? No, it is for idiots. You die.
Will I go back to the Philippines again? Undoubtedly. When I
get kicked out of China where do I go? A tourist visa is good for three years,
they speak English, the people are lovely and you can easily live on a pension.
But I won’t live in a dive resort. They are dead, dead, dead. As I would be
very quickly if I lived in one by drinking all day every day out of boredom.
