Sept 12th - Haben sie wifi?

One of the things that has surprised us here is that wifi isnt very common. Almost every second rate guest house or cheapo cafe in England has it but here it is not prevalant and I am not going to McShit, where you can get wifi. That is why you are not getting this wonderful stuff very often.

What is a rest day for? Sleeping, reading, writing rubbish and, particularly, doing your washing. Whilst travelling it is always difficult to feel properly clean. In our case, dry was also a problem with splashing water, dew, mist, mud in the boat & campsites and, recently, quite a lot of rain. (I had got knee deep in mud a couple of days ago and lost one sandle; I had to dig it out by hand but no good, the buckle had ripped through the high quality Chinese plastic. It has taken four days to get rid of the smell of the mud!) You wash things at a campsite one night and put them in a plastic bag. When you arrive at the next campsite the following evening the temperature has dropped, the sun is not strong enough to dry things and the clothes will get wet overnight either by dew or rain so you put them back in the plastic bag to go mouldy. After three days of that it takes a lot of strong sun to get the clothes to smell of anything but mould; frankly BO is more appealing - well OK, mild BO. The solution is wash all the dirty clothes on a rest day, hang them out in the sun on your balcony and wear the mouldy clothes out in the sun to go into town so that the now clean clothes will be OK to wear for a couple of days before the process is reapeated. Shame it rained heavily while we out discovering the assorted awful local drinks that the town had to offer so Bart's washing is looking a bit careworn.

Ingolstadt was rather disappointing. On first look it semed quite interesting but later looked a bit plastic. I am sure that Bomber Harris must have visited in late 1944 or 1945. The Germans have been very good at recreating places to look like they had never visited by that august fellow but I am getting used to the idea and think I can spot his influence. Audi have some presence here so that was probably a good enough excuse for that fine war hero.

Bit of problem with a rest day is that when it rains the following day one is not inclined to get in the boat. We walked the three kms to ensure that Doris was comfortable as the rain got steadily heavier. No way were we going to get in the boat. We retreated to the cafe at the swimming pool and then back in to town.

The delightful tourist information lady found us a cheap room and Bart retired to bed at 3.30. p.m. A second view of Ingolstadt did not reveal the most exciting town we have ever been in but we did find one decent bar. Irritatingly, we could have happily canoed for three or four hours in steadily improving conditions later in the day but I did not fancy ending up in an area where the Wehrmacht practice and you are not allowed to land.

One thing that we have found of interest is that bars tend to have more women in them than men. (Bart finds this very interesting but is severely hindered by the company that he keeps.) These are not your Manchester fat slapper type women who wander around on a Friday or Saturday night in very short skirts whatever the weather, hoping to get shagged and not remember who by in the morning, but well dressed women who have a gentle drink or two and wander off, apparently home - but what do we know. So where are the men? In Ingolstadt we found the answer, driving round the streets by themselves in cars of varying credibility for the purposes of picking up women. It appears that the women have good sense and ignore them.

Having said that, until we got to Bavaria, it appeared that all women between 28 and 35 had to be pregnant. Is this the law in Switzerland & Baden-Wurtenburg? We think that we should be told. Are they all artificially inseminated or are there some civilized men somewhere? Perhaps neither but hormones drive them to desperation. Or is the answer in the huge number of chemists that we see in every town? It is like banks in Chile - there are just far too many for the number of people. In Chile we assumed it was for the drug money from Peru and Colombia. In Germany, why do they need so many chemists? Are they all hypochondriacs? But Chile also does a fine line in chemists. They are not Germanic. What is the connection?

German people seem to be humourus, helpful and considerate, if rather drunken. There are a worse set of charateristics. Americans - smug, self-centred and ignorant. French -the most civilzed people in the world, according to the French. The Brits - what happenned to our empire: despite our ecconomic decline and intolerance, we are still special and better than these, allegedly, civilized Europeans. Italians? Actually I rather like the Italians, they seem to have a well balanced view of life, don't work too hard and spend summer on the beach. Chinese - peaceful, thoughtful but wannabe yanks. Aussies, well who cares about the Aussies. Only the Dutch and Spanish seem to be as civlized as the Germans in Western Europe. (Apologies to the Scandinavians and other small, irrelevant countries who should just forget about all this nationalistic crap and adopt a European passport and identity.)

Of course, this does not absolve the Germans from the malaise that will, hopefully, see the extinction of the human race within a couple of hundred years. They pursue economic growth with as much alacrity as all the other capitalist societies (including others, like China, who do not label themselves as capitalist), and with greater success than many. They also have no programme for controlling the other great evil of our times - population growth. At least China has made some attempt at containing the latter. How many cars, computers, TVs, phones etc. do the rich countries need? Apparently enough to reduce all the land mammals that are not bred for human consumption to the status of zoo creatures in small national parks in "uncivilzed" parts of the world. The human race is truly, if I can use an expressionn from a source I am not familiar with, "a pestlinence on the face of the earth". Like all pestillences it will, thankfully, consume itself because of explosive greed. Hopefully this will happen before this becomes the greatest ever dieing out of species ever.

Naturally the toy computer that I bought to write this drivel on is an absolute neccessity and how could you benefit from my wit and wisdom if we had not flown to Zurich. So much for recognising my own hypocrisy but how many brats do I have?

Enough of a diatribe. The weather forecast for next week is mixed to crap. So how far will we get? As bigger ships come into play, how will we deal with them in our non-seaworthy craft? Will we hitch a lift? Those are my Monday night thoughts and I will leave them in, despite what happens before the next post.

Tuesday and Wednesday were very interesting days. After a gentle paddle to the next lock we were met with a large flashing yellow light that means do not approach within 500 metres - they were letting water over the sluice because the river had risen by 1.5 metres with the rain. We approached and went to investigate. With the power station running and water going over the sluice the current below looked horrible and I dithered but little real choice so down we went. As we emerged, they stopped water coming over the sluice. Whether this was to help us or not we did not know. Anyway the current was not beyond our abilities and we had a lovely ride. We had intended to stop in a town who's main claim to fame in the book appeared to be "mit chemi-toilette" but the current was too strong to stop.

The current had slackened a bit by the time that we were stopped by the Wehrmacht (the German Arny) and told to get off the river for an hour whilst they were doing some exercises. We pulled in and there were a couple of guys from the Wehrmacht with a big truck who drove us round the kilometre or so that was being used for exercises. The river is narrow and fast here and they were doing an exercise building a pontoon bridge across the river. We stopped for a sandwich and these great lumps of heavy equipoment started coming down the river and getting off on the other bank. Massive engines allowed them to remain stationery in the river and go against the current easily. They lined up in the river and just drove ashore; they were amphibious. I did not count exactly but there were about twenty chunks of this equipment in three different types. It was actually very impressive especially for a man who dislikes all that the military stand for.

On we went and a couple of hours later the scenery suddenly changed. As you would expect with a big river, most of the time you are travelling across large flat plains. We had cut through a couple of sets of hills but they had not been difficult; suddenly we were in a limestone gorge only forty or fifty metres wide. Rather nice but challenging navigation with some funny currents. We suddenly ended up facing upstream in a pool of quiet water!

Anyway, it had been an excellent day and we had had enough but couldn't camp at the canoe club. We settled for a nice B & B a twenty minute walk downstream - our fourth night in a row in a bed and very comfortable it was too.

Whilst going back to collect our gear we tried to work out how fast the current really is; we had tried throwing leaves, bits of wood etc. in but weren't satisfied. Some kids came past! Surely in the week when the human population of the planet passed seven billion nobody would miss one in a spirit of scientific enquiry!

Wednesday was as exciting but more stressful. We had seen a few factories upstream and now we started to see quite a lot. We also had reached the point when the Main-Danube Canal comes in so, after having the river virtually to ourselves for a week, we suddenly had to deal with 10,000 tonne ships (my guess) ploughing up the river at about 10 kph. This is effectively about 14 kph against the current. What you do is let them pass, then cut directly across the wash at right angles so you don't get hit sideways on and get knocked over. This we did fine, the trouble is that you then get hit by the wash from the other side of the boat bouncing off the opposite bank and hitting you at an odd angle. Stressful! Actually the water stays choppy for five minutes after the boat has passed and the effect can still be felt for another five minutes, at least. The weather has also turned back to autumn and we kept getting a shower or two. By the time we stopped, I was the tiredest I had been on any day so far.

Bart was extremely happy; he saw a large otter (the first he had ever seen in the wild) slide into the river; I just saw the splash. The variety of birds has also increased and we are getting really blase about seeing large fish jump out of the water; I cannot emphsisie too much how clean this river is.

We stopped just outside Regensburg, which is a lovely town and consequently quite touristy. It was the first time that we had heard any significant amount of dialect other than German; the campsite even has notices in English. We got invited into their caravan by a very nice Dutch couple, Paul & Miriam, who poured Croatin Schnappes down our throats that was apparently more than 65% alcohol but actually tasted quite good - very unusual for something that strong. They had been sea-kayaking in Croatia and this was the first time they had sat inside for seventeen days - hmm. We met them again as we walked back from town. We had inspected the 12th century bridge which has lots of piers and, consequently, narrow gaps with very fast flowing water. I had drunk enough to think it looked OK. Where we met the Dutch again was at a place where you can go down a water shoot in your canoe instead of the lock, dropping 5 metres in about thirty. We had met one earlier in the day but it wasn't working. Bart tested this one (without the canoe, I hasten to add) and it worked fine. Alcohol also persuaded me that would be perfectly OK. Miriam & Paul declined the chance to have a bit of fun with us in the morning by going down the shoot; they claimed that they had to be on the road for 8 to get back to Eindhoven.

The morning brings rain and listlessness. A day's rest is agreed because the weather forecast is poor for later in the day. No, this is not idolence, definitely not. Cowardice is not a subject we discuss. Having no clear objective any more is, however, directly affecting us; we are on holiday (rather than a mission) and can piss around all day reading and drinking if we feel like it! So we did.

Anyway, we really did manage something close to getting up with the lark in the morning. It must have been a damp miserable lark because that was the sort of day it was. We were in the water by 8.45. This may not sound to early but ablutions, packing tent etc., laoding boat, returning for second round of ablutions etc. takes quite a while.

We were, genuinely, disappointed when the water shoot was closed, allegedly due to lack of water. More later on that subject. Shooting the bridge was also Ok. My navigation was of a standard that you would expect. I was still lining it up to be straight after we were through the bridge. Actually the turbulence here, and at other bridges with fast currents comes afterwards and it was here that my mastery of water craft paid off; well I didn't tip it over.

A bit later on Bart let out a yelp and jumped. Bart's antics always make me nervous, he invariably chooses the wrong momentto stop paddling, lift his arse in the air and stick his feet out in front of the boat. This is to relieve assorted aches and pains but is inconvenient when approaching a fast running current through a bridge or one of the mega-barges. In this case it was because we had a passenger, Mike Goodland (with apologies to those who are familiar with Metadata personnel and have read "The life of Pi" - the best book of this century.) This was a mouse - a rather pleasant passenger but when Mike gives your bare toe a nuzzle it is a bit of a surprise. We pulled in and tried to catch him. Having failed we decided to live with him for a while but his antics were just too much of a surprise even though we were mentally prepared. We had to pull in and unload Doris before we could catch him and transfer him (or her) to an area where she would introduce new genees to the local residents.

A rather dull day followed, the weather never got brighter, we didn't see anything special, we had to avaoid a few ships etc. But we did do a long day, our objective. Naturally I fell in the river again, but only up to my waist and it wasn't Bart's fault. Why hasn't Bart done it once yet?

What we have found is that Bavarian villages are pretty soulless. They all have churches (Bavaria is Catholic), a small playground with swings, slides and the like and a football field. What they don't have is a shop or a pub. We have stopped at one or two for a break or looking for refreshments and been disappointed.

One of the oddities about Bavarian history is King Ludwig. Before Bismark forcibly unified Germany in 1871 there had been a lot of independent states of which Bavaria was the largest. Ludwig had an ego to match Donald Trump; in the 1850s and 60s he built several palaces which he could not afford but didn't care. The one we passed (naturally we didn't stop) is called Valhalla. This looks like the Parthenon from the river. Presumably something to do with Wagner but we will leave that point to the masses to discover.

Anyway, at the end of the day we arrived at our destination, by far the hardest day that we had had - just as it started to rain. The restaurant mentioned in the book is open on Saturdays & Sundays only, this was Friday, and the campsite did not exist. We could camp by the restaurant for five euros each with no washing facilities. We camped on the kids playground. Bart had begged four slices of bread off an old lady so dinner was sardines on bread. We had had nothing hot all day - leaving the campsite early and going through the aforementioned soulless villages - so Tic-Tacs for sweet was not ideal. We were also short of water but not mosquitoes. The emergency brandy helped but Bart was asleep by 9 and I was trying to sleep by 10, an unheard of hour for me.

Bart asked me the time when he thought it was morning - 12.45 a.m. The real morning was a lovely misty but sunny early autumnal one and we were canoeing at 7.45. A complete contrast with the day before in some ways because of the weather. There were lots of birds - I am getting increasingly irritated by ignorance on this subject, I really will have to do something about it. However, we could not get a good rythm going, kept stopping every 45 minutes or so, were harrassed by many big ships (we had assumed that Saturady and Sunday would be good paddling days - the crew would have the weekend off), the villages failed to provide is with anything to eat (although we did get the commodity we most short of - water.) But it was not unpleasant because the weather was really gorgeous and we got some of the views from the levees I had expected of the Danube - big wide sweeping bends with lots of good agricultural land, bywaters full of birds and low hills in the distance. You are getting no photographs because, thankfully, my camera is a casualty of the wet and completely broken. Bart also spotted a couple of roe deer quite close on the bank. What is surprising to me is that we haven't seen any deer before. This has been perfect deer country: mixed forest with lots of varied agricultural land nearby. Just shows what crap observers we are.

We had planned an easy day, only 20km., because yesterday hjad been hard and we were glad of that because there is only so far apples and emergency bounties can get you.

However, before we got to Straubing Canoe Club we had another schlusse and this one did have a water shoot for canoes. We had not seen anyone else use one of these but obviously it had to be tried. Boats with keels are not allowed and the maximum width is 2.4 metres. Mrs Dobbin is less than a metre at her widest so should be no problem although it might have helped to see someone else try it . We got her pretty straight and down we went. It wasn't very fast but when both ends hit opposite sides at the same time we both thought (obvioulsy idependently, there wasn't a lot of time for discussion) that we were going over. Fortunately Doris, despite her age, is a pretty steady character and got us down. Next time I will hold the oars out on both sides at the back to keep her straight

Perhaps I should explain the name of the vessel that has done more to preserve our life than we have. She is an old lady, made of glass fibre and a dull yellow; a little faded in fact but obviously bright and sparkling in her day so Doris seemed appropriate. Our original plan for the summer had been to buy a horse and cart in Roumania and drive it to Latvia. The horse would obviously be called Dobbin. We felt guilty about abandoning Dobbin so incorporated the name.

The canoe club is great, mainly because it was warm and sunny and we could dry everything and get ourselves clean.

The canoe club turned out to have a friendly, if vastly obese, host and hostess plus dormitory beds for €9 each. Camping costs over half as much and you have to put up and take down the tent as well as sleep in it on the ground in close proximity to some fat, smelly, noisy, restless body! And Bart has an unpleasant time too. The down side was that one of the patrons was one of these people who must talk all the time. Clearly most of the regulars knew this and just let him prattle on. From when we arrived at about 2 until we retired at about 11 we never saw him with his mouth shut - much of it directed at Bart after I pretty much ignored him. And that was not all. I got woken by Bart to inform me that there was a third person in the dormitory, yes our friend in the bed next to Bart. Bart feared for his rectal virginity and I stayed awake until I could hear him, our friend not Bart, snoring soundly. In the morning we got up quietly whilst he was still snoring but he woke up just as we were going to have breakfast and within two minutes had joined us for another forty minutes of mindless prattle. I went to another table and lay on the bench until breakfast arrived. Bart claimed I was doing my back exercises by lying still.

Then we had a fantastic day, did lots of kms in beautiful weather, good lunch spot, felt good about our paddling and Bart saw his first snake in the wild! He is having a luuuuverly time seeing all these new things. Slight problem is that this metre long snake was clearly extremely venemous and the next one could be anywhere - in Bart's shoe, in Doris, waiting for him under some leaves - could be anywhere.

Being Sunday, we only saw three big cargo ships. A plus point? No. Instead we got lots of dickheads in speed boats. What is the point of a speedboat? What is the point of water skiing? To consume as much in the way of petroleum products as possible whilst going where? The people who buy these things must have fewer brain cells than Jeremy Clarkson; at least Clarkson's egotisitical, anti-social, planet-destroying toys can go to many different places. Where can you take a speed boat? The answer is repeatedly up and down the same piece of river to discomfort canoeists. These things do not kick up as big a backwash as the big jobbies (we actually shipped a bit of water from one of these today, the river was so narrow that I had to cut across only twenty metres past its stern) but they set up about five or six waves only a couple of metres apart so you have to cut across the backwash in the same way as the barges. It is just on a lovely sunny Sunday these idiots are all out and we had to do this manouvre about twenty times. Assholes.

Do you love wallpaper music? The Germans don't. It is rare to have your ears assaulted by mindless repetitions of Baker Street, Celine Dione, Kenny G or any old crap from the Seventies. Similarly, pubs don't have fruit machines, they have beer - and wine - and Gin & Tonics (in decent measures) - and cocktails all at prices about 50% of London prices. Quite civilized people in some ways, these Germans.

Well there were no snakes in the boat in the morning, the nearest we found was a colourful slug. We did not know how far we would get today. A normal day for us is now about 35 km. I had planned lunch after about fifteen km but we soon had a strong current so arrived at 10.45 for coffee. We fiddled about a bit but the current, although weaker, continued and we had done our 35km by 3. A refreshing beer and we went for the bonus dozen kms. A pleasant but unremarkable day - quite a lot of sun, plenty of birds, and I mean plenty, some pleasant views andnot many ships to contend with. Slightly better than a Monday at work!

We have now done 140 kms in the last four days and should be in Linz for Bart's birthday on the 16th if the weather continues to be kind to us.