On a wet January Tuesday in Taipei what do students do?

On a wet January Tuesday in Taipei what do students do?

They go to the National Concert Hall and throw the girls in the air, of course.

There is a large covered veranda, the students spread a few mats out and a couple of girls standby to help catch in case of a cock-up. There are three lads – one is the lifter off the ground and the other two hold her feet. She has to remain rigidly unmoving and showing no emotion in a vertical position (or horizontal as the case may be) whilst she is tossed about. There were six groups and all I can say is that they are very brave girls. The lads looked so weak that even I wouldn’t be worried about meeting three of them down the proverbial dark alley at night.

So what am I doing in Taipei. Well it is there. My terms work finished ten days ago but I am never sure whether I can escape straight away a week before the actual end of term and have to leave it to the last minute.  My main winter trip starts two weeks after the end of my term’s work.  I got confirmation that I didn’t need to do anything in the last official week and am off to Sri Lanka.

Ah!

To visit that allegedly lovely country of Sri Lanka you have to fill in an ETA form. I believe that ETA stands for Excruciatingly Terminal Autism. The form, of course, takes a little time to load.

Once loaded, I tried several times to fill in the form and each time it comes back with "No valid Capcha code" (the exact non-word spelling eludes me because you are rapidly told to try again). I assumed it meant to refer to entering a few letters and numbers that ensure that my application is not computer generated. 

That would be fair enough but I was never been asked to enter said code.

So trying again means filling in the whole tedious form again. It tends to be a little frustrating. The result is the same.

One of my techie friends in Guangzhou investigated and it seems to be the Google-China relationship. They do not get on and you cannot use anything Google on the mainland. What appears to happen is that many organizations call Google to use their Capcha code program, rather than write one themselves. So when Google gets called the thing fails. This must cost Sri Lanka a lot of tourist yuan and meant that I couldn’t go.

Yes, I know that I could have filled in the form and done a screen dump and got somebody outside of China to do the job for me. Hindsight is usually perfect.

So I had to spend three days in the pub watching England thrash South Africa at cricket. Or more accurately watch two very even days followed by a day of absolute slaughter.

After that I needed to detox in a country where I didn’t need a visa or some other damn form. This was the nearest.

Is Taiwan a country? Technically the locals call it The Republic of China. Not surprisingly, this name is none too popular on the mainland where Taiwan is regarded as a province of China. In sporting events it is referred to as Chinese Taipei. The Hong Kong Rugby 7s normally has three “national” teams in it - China, Hong Kong and Chinese Taipei. Hong Kong has been part of China now for nearly twenty years and the government let the people of Hong Kong do their own thing – just so long as they say they are Chinese. I don’t need a visa for Hong Kong (or Macao or Taiwan), Hong Kong has its own currency (as do Taiwan and Macao) and in Hong Kong they even drive on the correct side of the road (as they do in Macao!) but not in Taiwan or the mainland. Taiwan has a population of 23 million – less than treble that of Hong Kong. It has not been under the control of the mainland Chinese government in any form for 120 years of Japanese occupation or ROC rule. Eventually there will be a relationship of one country two systems as it applies in Hong Kong and Macao.

None of my cards worked at the ATM at the airport so I changed $500 US cash. At a bank in town later last night a card worked so I took the maximum. I know how far too many of the local spondoolicks. I am confident that I won’t get ripped off when I change some back!

I like most of what I have seen so far.

First proper port of call was the memorial hall for Jiang Jeshi. Most of you will probably know him as Chang Kai-shek – the first leader of Taiwan after they Nationalists ran for it after losing the civil war to the communists in 1949. This tries to look like the Temple of Heaven in Beijing. Well – hmm. It has a similar roof but rather horrible whitewashed sides. The Zongshan Memorial Hall in Guangzhou had similar ideas but did the job much better. Who the hell is Zhongshan I hear you ask. Well most of you probably know him as Sun Yat Sen, the leader of the revolution at the beginning of the twentieth century that got rid of the last emperor. Of course, some of you have never heard of him. Many people in China have more than one name – it can be a little confusing. Good old Lizzie has two birthdays but not two names (if you ignore Saxe-Coburg-Gotha). You will see many streets in cities in China called Zhongshan after the great man, streets named Jiang Jeshi are curiously absent – I wonder why.

Speaking of street names. Here has some characteristics similar to the mainland including shops grouping together on one street. In Guangzhou I can take you to” picture framing street” or “get your crap trophies for your darts contest alley” although they are not called that. Today I walked down pet bird street. I also went one better and found myself on a street called “Wedding Dress Street” which sold.... 

I seem to have digressed. The old todger is not buried in his memorial hall but there is a 21 tonne statue of him. They do an elaborate changing of the guard routine every hour – quite entertaining. Nothing about old traditional costumes and that sort of thing. Goose steps, stainless steel helmets, AK47s (or whatever they use now) – you get the idea. Five minutes after it is all over the place is pretty well cleared out. One is left wondering what they are guarding against. I didn’t see them shooting at any birds who came to shit on his head. Are they worried about somebody stealing the statue?

Speaking of birds in the park around the area the rain had brought up quite a few worms and this fellow ignored me completely whilst he got stuck into a good lunch.

Next was a “traditional” craft centre – rather good. Signage in English is, in general, either quite good or non-existent. The best exhibits were on a floor where the only English sign was “Chullery” This is rather untypical – the standard of English is quite good although I did wonder later what “A locomotive builder’s lunch” could be. All the food here is meaty so I didn’t risk it.

The National History Museum is just down the road – well worth a visit. Lots of stuff, some pottery going back to 2500 BCE. Pottery is the one area where the ancient Chinese were always a long way in front of The West.  An excellent exhibition of Tang dynasty (618 to 903 CE) pottery as well. This is on loan from a museum on the mainland and tends to illustrate that the bit of water separating Taiwan from the mainland is only really a political barrier. Visas still apply but that is true for everyone going to or from the mainland who intends to stay more than three days. Playing Bob Marley in the forecourt did rather undermine the historical gravitas.

Typically Chinese though. More than half the visitors in both places were in the noshing shop.

The Botanical Gardens. Compact with lots in there but not at its best on a wet January day. (Extract from the pamphlet “About 4,500 years ago the lake became habitable...”)

On to a temple. Why do I do it? I have seen so many temples in China. Lots of people there but small and definitely nothing special. Best thing about it was the ornaments on the outside of the roof.

This photo is from a different place but it seems like a good place to add it. I especially like the "traditional" information sign.

Food is odd. The odd McShit and Substandard plus quite a few Starfucks but no Bugger Kings, Kill the Fucking Chicken, Done-in Donuts etc. But also few proper restaurants. There are lots of small shops and street vendors and I have to use Chinese to make sure that I don’t get ANY meat - and that is not my most notable skill.

Many 7/11s call themselves cafes and there is a 7/11 for every 450 people in Taiwan plus lots and lots of Family Marts which are similar. In seven hours walking today I haven’t seen one proper supermarket. 7/11s are often a bit bigger than normal but nothing like a proper supermarket.

AND only one bar. They wanted more than $20US for a small flask of saki so I declined and left. The price had gone up by 40% between what the man said and what he wrote down.

Yep, I have had to resort to the 7/11 and am writing this in my hotel. Hotels are not cheap here but this is OK – if you like your room Hong Kong size. There isn’t even a chair so I am writing this on a table in reception.

The people are pretty nice with a lot of English and they come up to talk to you and offer help. I was surprised by the fact that many people of my age speak good English but I realised that American soldiers were based in the country until forty years ago.

Another day another few hours of pounding the street. I am a believer in the Bill Bryson theory – if you want to get to know a city you must walk. Am I Brysonite? Taipei is a small city. When I first came to China one of my friends described Ningbo as a small city – only 3 million. I wondered how many cities in Europe and North America are that size or bigger and got stuck at ten. However, I have now been in China a long time and think that 3 million is, indeed, a small city. On the mainland only cities over ten million are regarded as big cities – there are at least seven – and perhaps twenty or thirty that are in the 3 to 10 million bracket.  

After a salutary half an hour queueing for a train ticket for the morrow I was off due north to my main destination for the day. Taipei has a pretty much a gridiron sort of layout with the American mentality of traffic lights at every junction. That means that the pedestrian crossings at the junctions are traffic light controlled. This slows your progress considerably but I got the idea fairly quickly and was the only person who ignored lots of the red lights.

I had deliberately started late for two reasons. I was knackered. Yesterday I had had one stretch of street/ museum/botanical garden etc. pounding of five hours during which I had not sat down once and I had also done some more pounding later looking for bars. You are also warned that the Museum gets very crowded so you go for early doors or late afternoon. No prizes for guessing which one I went for.

 So I rock up about 3.30. It all seems a bit odd. Lots of stupid Dineyesque type characters, I appear to be the only non-Chinese around. I pay my $3 and go in thinking that was cheap. Naturally I was in the wrong place. This was the good old boys place where he lived for 26 years after leaving the mainland. I was desperately searching the guide book on my kindle for something about this joint (there was nothing) when I got accosted because they thought I am taking photographs with my electronic device. This got me a personal guide about my age. I know more about Madame Chiang than she did. Maybe because I read her (Madame C's, not the guide's) biography a few years ago. The thing they seemed most proud of was that the old boy got a visit from Tricky Dicky when he was Vice-President in 1953.

I made my excuses and left. The biggest tourist attraction in the whole of Taiwan is the National Palace Museum. A bit of a bugger that it is not on the tourist map of Taipei. A bit of study and I knew I was close and set off in the general direction. Big signs saying “National Palace Museum” did help a bit. It closes at 6.30 and I get there at 4.15. Perfect. Well not quite. The girl at the desk pointed out that if I waited 15 minutes there was 40% discount for late entrants. Just time for a reviver. Unfortunately the cafe only served coffee.

The Museum is absolutely splendid. Very well laid out with lots of room and good lighting.  In 1949 when the Nationalist realised that they had lost the civil war and legged it to Taiwan they took everything from The Forbidden City that wasn’t nailed down. In 1965 they decided that they weren’t going back any time soon and opened the crates of the stuff that they had “liberated.” The contents are now in the National Palace Museum.

Chinese people are fascinated by “Jade.” There is no such thing. There are two different rocks, called Jadeite and Nephrite, that have very similar characteristics but are formed in completely different ways. Both are called Jade. There are a couple of small items on display that go back to the 4^th millennium BCE but these are of no interest to the Chinese tour groups. The two jade rooms were absolutely rammed with people.

Some of the tour groups took some interest in the old pottery but none in the stuff that is undoubtedly the star of the museum. (Can stuff be a star or should they be stars?) Shanghai is a dump and just about the only thing I like there is the museum and especially the ground floor where they have bronze work going back 5,500 years. Truly impressive stuff. BUT. In the museum in Taipei they have stuff going back equally far but much more ornate – there is nothing to compare with it from any part of the world. You may gather I was impressed.

Some of the pottery stuff is also pretty good. The slight problem is that the best stuff, not surprisingly, is from the last five hundred years and you can see very similar items in many shops all over China.

Two hours of that and I really did need a reviver. I found one and it worked so up went my energy level and off back the way I had come to the best night market in the city near the wrong palace.

Night markets exist because it is too hot in the day.  Well that is the theory. It was only 14 or 15 degrees so hardly roasting in January but the markets are institutionalised. They sell lots of the usual shit – cheap jeans, nasty T shirts, glass jewellery etc. But the reason that you go to these places is the food. You stop at a stall and buy something small and eat it.  You are talking a euro or two at each place. So I had quails eggs, followed by three different flavoured egg tarts then pawpaw and pineapple followed by spicy cuttlefish - yummy. Actually that is the buying order – I saved the fruit to the end for when I was publishing earlier – I am a traditionalist. On the mainland there are bins every 50metres and an army of street sweepers who are needed. In this market there were lots of skewers and plastic bags & boxes being given out, but no public bins that I saw until I left but the streets were clean. Not quite Singapore clean – there was the odd skewer – but much cleaner than London.

I really was tired so got the metro back to the hotel. Yes – wimp I know. Two small points. On the display inside the metro carriage signs would say “Be considerate. Fold your newspaper and hold your backpack in your hand.” I especially like the second part. Anybody who is stupid enough to both read this and work for Transport for London please take note.   I got off at the main railway station. Now here’s the thing. These are underground retail opportunities and there are shops everywhere. Find the exit? I found a list which told me the exit number I needed but tell me where that exit is? You must be joking – why would they want me to leave without spending money? It took me about fifteen minutes to escape. My advice is that, should you be unfortunate enough to be caught in one of these versions of hell, just get out of the nearest exit and worry about where you are once you have escaped to above ground.

Another day another city. I have come to Tainan. This used to be the capital and if your idea of a holiday is visiting fifteen temples a day for a week with no repetition this is the place for you. OK it is not Bagan in Myanmar where there is nothing between temples but this is a proper old city (one tenth the size of Taipei) and still they are round every corner. As you will have gathered by now this is not really my thing.

I had elected to take the slow train – taking 4 ½ hours rather that the quick one that does it 1/3^rd of the time and not just because of price. It is called the “Mountain Route” and I wanted to enjoy the views. Every time I woke up (which wasn’t often) and looked out of the window I would see just badly constructed buildings or fields with nobody working in them. Taiwan is supposed to be no. 17 in the world GDP per capita list and classed as a developed country. Even assuming that Euroland is regarded as one economy that is one list and one categorization that I don’t believe.

Or didn’t. When I looked at that extract again it is no. 17 based upon PPP (Purchasing Power Parity).  If you use the exchange rate of the day to make comparisons the values are severely distorted by a currency (like the pound or US dollar) being overvalued or being undervalued (like the euro and RMB). To compensate for this, different measures are used to make more realistic evaluations. For instance how many pints of 4% beer can the average person’s monthly salary buy? That particular measure is my own and rigorously tested all over the world. Unfortunately “economists” use other measures e.g. how many Big McShits does a week’s pay get. Economists are not real people.

I have wandered again haven’t I?  Mainland China is no longer cheap cheap but it is still half the price, or less, of anywhere else outside East Asia. Taiwan is a bit more than the mainland but not a lot. It is nothing compared to Japan, Hong Kong or Singapore. A couple of examples here. Admission to sites. Many are free, most are a quid. My dinner on the street last night (excluding two beers which added 60%) was three euros. When you realise that it makes the claim above seem reasonable – higher up the list, incidentally, than Japan!

Comparing Taiwan to the mainland there is gross underemployment in the retail sector for both – there are masses of people standing around doing nothing. Like the US, in mainland China the car is king. You can drive how you like, park where you like, pedestrian crossings are meaningless etc. In Taiwan the motor scooter is king. I think this is a good thing. Cars are filthy, carcinogenic, carbon emitting things that take up ridiculous amounts of road space for one person and on the mainland, like the USA, gas-guzzling SUVs are the vehicle of choice. In the cities on the mainland most two and three wheel powered vehicles are now electrically powered. In Taiwan the scooters all have piddly little motors which must be less carbon intensive than electrically powered vehicles. So far so good for Taiwan. However, everybody has a scooter. They are everywhere – pavements are just scooter parks, the most likely cause of death for a tourist is a scooter accident, cars (and even taxis) wait at pedestrian crossings, scooters go round you.

There are very few motorbikes and certainly nothing of the thirteen hundred cc monstrosities that people of my age buy in Europe or the USA. But anybody who is working in a (to me) semi-developed country can easily afford a scooter.

One oddity here is the ownership of the pavement (sidewalk to the yanks). You have a shop front that is two metres wide, you want to make it easy for the handcarts to get from the delivery vehicle into your shop. So you make a ramp and tile it with the same tiles as you use in your shop. Job done.

Except that the ramp you have made is different from the ramp next door – a different angle, different start or end points etc. Taipei and Tainan are both fairly flat with nice even roads. Walking on the pavement is awful. You are glancing around, looking for a shop or something to eat and suddenly you foot hits a steep ramp and over you go. Useful to have ramps not steps, of course, to help the scooters drive on the pavement. It is especially difficult if you are feeling a little uncertain of the location of your hotel after an unpaid brief visit to do some unrewarded quality testing at an establishment for the purveyance of alcohol – of which I am happy to say Tainan appears to have a significant number including one twenty metres from my hotel. I even found a wine bar selling – wait for it – decent Italian wine. I was the only customer.

Planning laws are clearly very weak or not enforced.

I don’t tend to go to an awful lot of sites but how could I resist a visit to the Eternal Golden Castle. Well I think I would find it easier to defend the revolting four storey block of flats I passed near the entrance. Clearly grey is the new gold. Doomsday must be imminent.

It was built in 1874-76 and has a moat that is, in turn defended, by hibiscus shrubs. It was armed by the latest British muzzle loading cannons. Amazing. Breech loading guns had been around for 400 years by then but the latest technology was still muzzle loading.

Finally, on my fifth day in Taiwan I spotted a supermarket! What a sad life I lead. My fears about which one were also realised - Carrefour. Why the French? Even the yanks are preferable. Well no actually, but it is damn close.

The fort was built because the Japanese had landed just prior to this to cause a spot of bother near what was then Taiwan’s capital. Twenty years later the Japanese took over the island and, forty years after it was built, the castle was a ruin. A couple of bouts of restoration have revealed new places. I find it amazing that no plans exist from such a big jobbie built less than 150 years ago.  It is quite pleasant for a gentle stroll although I was glad I wasn’t wearing sandals and shorts because there were “Beware of the snakes” signs around.

I also visited the Tree House. Not quite what you might expect. Tainan was the main port for the Island but the harbour silted up and the Japanese moves the capital to Taipei so the trading houses declined. The last warehouse was abandoned seventy years ago. Banyan tress will grow pretty well anywhere and are very adaptable (they are a relative of the strangler fig that I have seen in Australia). One thing they are fond of is calcium carbonate. This is used in cement so when the warehouse was deserted the trees moved in – big time.

One other bit of Chinglish is a “shopping shop.” One wonders what the alternatives might be. I could only come up with two but I have no imagination. A shoplifting shop? A dieing shop – commonly called an undertaker. This one would take a good deal of planning, unless you are Dignitas. You would have had to have the call from him upstairs (or downstairs in my case), gone to the shop, asked for a doctor to be called to sign the death certificate and then keel over just as the quack arrives.

My final stop on this trip is Kaohsuiung – Taiwan’s second city. I have tired of street pounding hence have been writing. However, I have instructions to go and get pissed with a brother of a sort of friend. I have run out of beer so it is time to go for four hours pounding before following my instructions.

New experiences are less frequent with age of course. I am staying in a “Business Hotel.” The room is quite large but bare of any decorations or interest. However, it does have a first for me – the bed is wider than it is long. One is left wondering how many “guests” a “businessman” is expected to entertain.

Just done the obligatory pounding. This is a boring characterless city. The lady in the Tourist Information suggested that I visited the station where the two metro lines crossed. I arrived to the usual shopping hell but changed my mind. This was the roof.

The fact that it is cool, wet and windy, of course, has no impact upon my view. Nor is the fact that I was stood up by somebody who invited me to his restaurant, specified the time and his name is not even Goodland. Hang on a minute he is the half-brother of a very old female friend of Dr G.s and we have all seen “Chinatown.” Could Henry be a love child? No. Even MCG would have phoned within an hour to say that he was delayed by sending a particularly unimportant email that he could have sent hours before.

Visit Taiwan? No, not as a destination by itself. If you have had a decent look around China – not just Beijing, Shanghai, Guilin and Lijiang – yes. You will see some interesting contrasts.